"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
