ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
