i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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