Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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