Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
