mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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