im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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