I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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