So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
