Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize