I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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