Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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