I want to have your abortion
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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