He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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