ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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