My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
