No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I stole a fireplace last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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