Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
