A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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