I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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