Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
