matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
