Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
