can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
