I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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