Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
