This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
