i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
