I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
