hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
