Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
