I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
