hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
