You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
