Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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