I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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