that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize