I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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