I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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