I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
