Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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