shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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