meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
