I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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