i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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