glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
