I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
