I think my vagina is haunted
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
