I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
