maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
