Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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