Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the day after is always just damage control
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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