She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
