I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize