if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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