Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
